Letting her go...

This afternoon when I was at Starbucks, online again, replying the emails regarding potential interview opportunities, someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned, and I was surprised to see her.

"Hi. Long time no see. How are you?"

It took me a good few seconds to regain my conscious, and I must have mumbled something in the line of "Hi, I am fine. How about you?" because she smiled and took a seat opposite me.

I sat upright, folded my laptop, and looked at her.

She smiled, and asked, "So where are you staying now?"

I looked around, avoiding eye contact with her, and said, "Does it matter?"

She looked at me, the smile faded, and she thought for a while before answering me.

"No, it doesn't."

I looked at her, heart pounding, but trying my absolute best not to show, and said, "I saw you the other day, with the guy driving the 5 series."

Her eyes widened, and she was speechless. If I were her, I would not know how to reply to such statement. Knowing her so well, I added, "I am happy to see that you are happy. I hope he treats you well."

"Thanks...," and that was all she could say to me.

"It looks like he is rich. I hope he can provide you more than what I could last time and this time, you will treasure him and not giving up so easily like what you had done to me," I said.

I looked to the side, avoiding eye contact again. I didn't want her to see the moist forming in my eyes.

"What do you mean? You should know me well enough that money to me is not the most important thing," she confronted me.

I inhaled deeply, and said, "Actually, I know. I know I put you through a lot of stress. But it didn't have to happen this way. We didn't have to end this way. But so soon, you found someone just happened to drive a BMW, that gives me the impression that you got over me rather quickly and you think money is more important."

She looked at me, shaking her head. I could see that she was trying very hard to conceal her emotion.

"Don't worry," I said, "You wanted me to let go, and I am letting go. I am really happy that you found someone who is capable of taking care of you. We were both at fault and that's why we had to end our relationship. I just hope you won't repeat the same mistake."

By that, I put my laptop in the bag, stood up, and said, "Anyway, I got to go. Good luck."

She didn't say a word. Her twinkling eyes looked at me, her mouth twitched a bit, like wanting to say something. I looked at her straight in the eyes, and I sensed that there was something in her mind that she wanted to tell me. I hesitated, and I was hoping that she would say something, but at the same time I also didn't want to give her a chance to say something, and I was also afraid that she would say something that could hurt me.

So I turned and walked away. I was walking away slowly, but my mind was telling me to go back and tell her how madly in love I still am with her, hug her as tight as possible, and kiss her passionately.

But I had to go. I had to let go. I had to allow her to have her happiness. She deserves to be happy. She wasn't happy when she was with me, but I cannot be so selfish and stop her from being happy again.

I had refused to let go for months, but after a meeting with Adrian on discussion on some matter, and telling him about seeing them the other day, he advised me to let go in order to move forward, to take the next step to improve my life. He went through the same thing, and he understood how difficult it was for him to let go, but after letting go, life suddenly became more bearable.

At the end, I reached my car, and I drove aimlessly.

Destination? What destination?

PS: Sorry, I am really tired. I will blog about the mistakes that both of us had done when I have the time and energy. Right now I just want to find a flat surface and sleep for days.