First of all, I apologize for the lack of update. I understand that there are a lot of speculations and worries about my whereabouts, and I would like to take this opportunity to express my deepest gratitude towards you.
It is only appropriate for me to list out the things that had happened during my absence in order to explain my lack of update.
I had successfully landed a job in one of the SMEs about a month ago. The job sent me outstation for product technical training in the factory, proving me accommodation in a hotel nonetheless. It wasn't some 5 stars hotel, not even a 3 stars, but it was great to have a room with a bed and a shower. After months of sleeping on a car seat and carpeted floor, the feeling of a bed touching the skin is purely a heavenly experience. Most importantly, I had also learned to appreciate a proper bathroom with steamy hot shower. The feeling of the hot water streaming down the back was beyond description of words.
The only downside to this is that I did not have Internet access in the training area as the information we dealt with are critical to the company's profit. The only access is through the Administrator office and our access would be monitored. I did not want to take the risk of letting my identity made known to the public, especially the office co-workers, so I did not write. But I did reply Adrian's email to let him know that I was doing great.
I wrote some post updates at night in the hotel room, trying to inform everyone about the ongoing activities and not to let anyone getting worried. I was planning to update this blog when I came back to the city. Unfortunately, my laptop broke down and a quick talk to the technician concluded that the hard drive was "fried", as he put it. I was told that all the information that I had previously stored in the hard drive is forever lost.
At this moment, I am using one of the Internet Cafes in the area to reply some emails and also updating this blog. I apologize if you find that this update lacks the details because I am trying to minimize the duration of the usage. They are charging by the hourly rate!
Anyway, back to the subject of updating; after 3 weeks of technical training, I was relocated back to the Klang Valley office and that was when I had to sleep in the car again because I vacated out from the previous job, where I was working as a night security. I thanked the boss profoundly for providing me the job and the shelter when I was facing difficulties. The boss was kind enough to offer me to continue staying there until I could afford a better place.
I had to gently decline his kind offer as I felt that it was inappropriate for me to continue staying there for free. So he wished me good luck and paid me the salary (which I refused to accept since I was only guarding the factory for less than 2 weeks, and I took the shelter as a form of compensation) when I loaded my belongings into my car.
Heading Adrian's advice, I asked around the office if there was a place to rent. After a quick round of asking, I found out that there was this young girl in the office renting a whole apartment nearby the office, and she was looking for a sublease! I approached her with caution and I asked her if I could sublease the room.
She looked at me, considering her options since I am the new guy in the office and she doesn't know me that well. Finally she agreed. Because we are colleagues, she agreed that I do not have to pay her the required 2 months deposit but I must keep to my words that I would keep the apartment in tiptop condition and I would help to tidy up the place every week. I agreed to her condition.
After sleeping in the car for 4 days, I finally moved into her apartment. It is a small unit, but it was in very clean state and I was shown to my room. Just two days ago I went to the night market and got myself a mattress that would provide me some cushioning between the floor and my bad hip.
Right now, I wake up in the morning to work, take light lunch with my colleagues, and at night I would head back to the apartment to rest. It is a simple life, but as one would put it, this is a good start. For me, this is a great start, and I am looking forward for this new life.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Temporary shelter
I have found a temporary shelter. Or rather, technically, Adrian found me a temporary shelter.
I think the best way to describe this is to copy and paste the email that Adrian sent to me some time ago.
Hey, sorry for not dropping by your blog for a bit cos lately I had been busy. But I think there are a lot of people take notice of your blog. Good job! Trust me, if the content is not good, you still won't get visitor, and from what I read, you are good.
Now, here comes the good news.
I have talked to a few friends, and one of my female friends asked her dad, whom own a factory in XXXX. Her dad is willing to offer you a place to sleep and on top of that, he will offer you a job too! Now comes the bad news. It is not a house, but a medium size factory in an industrial area. She said you can sleep in the office, as her dad needs some one to guard the factory at night because his Indonesian worker is going back, and by that, he will be paying you a minimum monthy salary. I am not sure how much is that, but I can get in touch with her if you are interested.
Also, do you want a part-time job in sales? An acquittance of mine is looking for a part-time for his car dealership. I am not sure if you are willing to do sales as you come from technical background, but I suggest that you give it a try.
On top of that, I have checked with my ex-company which is related to your industry. I don't know how good you are, but when I put the words for you, they asked me to get your resume. So please forward your resume to XXX@XXXXX and in the subject, put "Referral from Adrian Ang". Getting the full time job or not is completely up to your qualifications.
Anyway, please don't see that I am helping you in the factory. It is a job that comes with accomodation, and best of all, they have internet connection there. So if you are willing to work as night-shift guard at the factory, call me.
Hang in there. With your qualification, I am sure you can do many things you want.
Regards,
Adrian
Now, I don't know what to say. From earlier conversation with Adrian, he told me that there are a lot of skeptical people out there about the validity of my claim for being homeless and sleeping in my car, so these people might jump out and say, "Hey, but you said you didn't pay your phone bill and you can't call out!"
(Sorry Adrian, but I have to tell them the truth and void the promise that I made to you)
My phone bill was paid, by Adrian. Well, not all by himself, but he got some of his friends to chip in as well after learning my stories. He has done so without my knowledge since he has my contact number, which I disapprove but grateful nonetheless.
I understand that this world is filled with skepticism and I don't mind that if people are doubting me. I am just a no-body in the cyberspace and I choose to remain anonymous. But I cannot tolerate people pointing their fingers at Adrian. If you want to point your finger at someone, I am here, awaiting for your accusation, and I am willing to accept all the accusation that you might have.
Anyway, let's not derive and stray too far from the topic, so let's move on.
Yes, I have taken up the job as night shift guard taking care of the factory at night. There is no bed, but at least I have a flat surface to sleep on instead of curling up my legs all the time and sleeping in an awkward position. There's no water heater, but at least I still can take a shower. At least no one is chasing me away when I use the internet. Most importantly, there is a roof on top of me where I am shielded from the sun, rain, dust, and insects.
It is still not my home. But at least this is a good start.
As for the car salesman job offering, I know nuts about automotive. I know how to drive an auto transmission car, and that's about it. So at the end they did not hire me.
I have sent out my resume to the company that Adrian mentioned, and now I am awaiting for the call for the interview. I have crossed my fingers and hoping for the best. For once, I am sure of something; I am sure that many of you have your fingers crossed for me as well, and I thank you for that.
I think the best way to describe this is to copy and paste the email that Adrian sent to me some time ago.
Hey, sorry for not dropping by your blog for a bit cos lately I had been busy. But I think there are a lot of people take notice of your blog. Good job! Trust me, if the content is not good, you still won't get visitor, and from what I read, you are good.
Now, here comes the good news.
I have talked to a few friends, and one of my female friends asked her dad, whom own a factory in XXXX. Her dad is willing to offer you a place to sleep and on top of that, he will offer you a job too! Now comes the bad news. It is not a house, but a medium size factory in an industrial area. She said you can sleep in the office, as her dad needs some one to guard the factory at night because his Indonesian worker is going back, and by that, he will be paying you a minimum monthy salary. I am not sure how much is that, but I can get in touch with her if you are interested.
Also, do you want a part-time job in sales? An acquittance of mine is looking for a part-time for his car dealership. I am not sure if you are willing to do sales as you come from technical background, but I suggest that you give it a try.
On top of that, I have checked with my ex-company which is related to your industry. I don't know how good you are, but when I put the words for you, they asked me to get your resume. So please forward your resume to XXX@XXXXX and in the subject, put "Referral from Adrian Ang". Getting the full time job or not is completely up to your qualifications.
Anyway, please don't see that I am helping you in the factory. It is a job that comes with accomodation, and best of all, they have internet connection there. So if you are willing to work as night-shift guard at the factory, call me.
Hang in there. With your qualification, I am sure you can do many things you want.
Regards,
Adrian
Now, I don't know what to say. From earlier conversation with Adrian, he told me that there are a lot of skeptical people out there about the validity of my claim for being homeless and sleeping in my car, so these people might jump out and say, "Hey, but you said you didn't pay your phone bill and you can't call out!"
(Sorry Adrian, but I have to tell them the truth and void the promise that I made to you)
My phone bill was paid, by Adrian. Well, not all by himself, but he got some of his friends to chip in as well after learning my stories. He has done so without my knowledge since he has my contact number, which I disapprove but grateful nonetheless.
I understand that this world is filled with skepticism and I don't mind that if people are doubting me. I am just a no-body in the cyberspace and I choose to remain anonymous. But I cannot tolerate people pointing their fingers at Adrian. If you want to point your finger at someone, I am here, awaiting for your accusation, and I am willing to accept all the accusation that you might have.
Anyway, let's not derive and stray too far from the topic, so let's move on.
Yes, I have taken up the job as night shift guard taking care of the factory at night. There is no bed, but at least I have a flat surface to sleep on instead of curling up my legs all the time and sleeping in an awkward position. There's no water heater, but at least I still can take a shower. At least no one is chasing me away when I use the internet. Most importantly, there is a roof on top of me where I am shielded from the sun, rain, dust, and insects.
It is still not my home. But at least this is a good start.
As for the car salesman job offering, I know nuts about automotive. I know how to drive an auto transmission car, and that's about it. So at the end they did not hire me.
I have sent out my resume to the company that Adrian mentioned, and now I am awaiting for the call for the interview. I have crossed my fingers and hoping for the best. For once, I am sure of something; I am sure that many of you have your fingers crossed for me as well, and I thank you for that.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
[RECAP] In the night of chinese new year
It was barely few minutes past 12 in the morning, and the people around the housing area were still awake, making the final preparation for the Chinese New Year celebration.
I laid in the car seat, starring at the car ceiling, thinking about my future, but mostly dwell on my own failure in life. I had not only lost my life, or rather the life that I used to know, but also my sense of selfness had gone down the ditch, coupled with my confidence. What I had left was a few baggages of my personal belongings laying at the back seats, the mid-sized sedan, my brain and dignity.
Suddenly I felt a sharp pinch of pain in my neck, and it felt like a needle had just pierced right into the bone and my vision blacked out for split second.
I forgot that I had to stay still in order not to agitate the joints. Half laying down on a car seat is not a comfortable experience and I shifted my weight to reduce the pressure on my hip and back, but that aggravated the neck pain.
My back and shoulder, especially the neck, had been in constant grievance since the 3rd days from the night I spent in my car. I longed for a comfortable bed with a nice fluffy pillow, just for one night, but the only thing I could afford was sleeping in my car.
The children were playing on the roadside with the supervision of their parents. Some of them played with firecrackers, and the younger ones were standing nearby to watch. Every few seconds, the kids would burst into laughter that carried far into the street, and I sat there, watching them with envy and motionless in order not to aggravate the pain. They appeared so happy.
Suddenly, the rush of childhood memory flooded me like waterfall, and I remembered how my mom used to watch me playing firecrackers during Chinese New Year, how she smiled at me as she always did, and how we enjoyed our reunion dinner together. Sometimes she would ask me to help with some task as not to let me feel bored, and sometimes just for the purpose of teaching me new things.
But it all changed, forever, after she passed away due to cancer.
Ever since, I dislike Chinese New Year because it was a reflection on how lonely I was, especially when all my friends would be busy to be with their family. For me, being the only child in the family and having a dad that was always away on business trip, or staying over at the mistress's house, I became an orphan when my mom passed away, so I hated Chinese New Year, and most often than not, I refused to celebrate it.
I stayed in the car, watching, envying the people around. After a while, the pain started to build up on my hip, and it became unbearable. I unlocked the door, and I stumbled. My legs had gone numb and my back and neck were strangling me with pain. I stayed motionless for few seconds until the pain subsided, and I looked around again.
It was the first day of Chinese New Year, and for the first time in many years, I had the sudden urge to celebrate Chinese New Year, just for once.
I laid in the car seat, starring at the car ceiling, thinking about my future, but mostly dwell on my own failure in life. I had not only lost my life, or rather the life that I used to know, but also my sense of selfness had gone down the ditch, coupled with my confidence. What I had left was a few baggages of my personal belongings laying at the back seats, the mid-sized sedan, my brain and dignity.
Suddenly I felt a sharp pinch of pain in my neck, and it felt like a needle had just pierced right into the bone and my vision blacked out for split second.
I forgot that I had to stay still in order not to agitate the joints. Half laying down on a car seat is not a comfortable experience and I shifted my weight to reduce the pressure on my hip and back, but that aggravated the neck pain.
My back and shoulder, especially the neck, had been in constant grievance since the 3rd days from the night I spent in my car. I longed for a comfortable bed with a nice fluffy pillow, just for one night, but the only thing I could afford was sleeping in my car.
The children were playing on the roadside with the supervision of their parents. Some of them played with firecrackers, and the younger ones were standing nearby to watch. Every few seconds, the kids would burst into laughter that carried far into the street, and I sat there, watching them with envy and motionless in order not to aggravate the pain. They appeared so happy.
Suddenly, the rush of childhood memory flooded me like waterfall, and I remembered how my mom used to watch me playing firecrackers during Chinese New Year, how she smiled at me as she always did, and how we enjoyed our reunion dinner together. Sometimes she would ask me to help with some task as not to let me feel bored, and sometimes just for the purpose of teaching me new things.
But it all changed, forever, after she passed away due to cancer.
Ever since, I dislike Chinese New Year because it was a reflection on how lonely I was, especially when all my friends would be busy to be with their family. For me, being the only child in the family and having a dad that was always away on business trip, or staying over at the mistress's house, I became an orphan when my mom passed away, so I hated Chinese New Year, and most often than not, I refused to celebrate it.
I stayed in the car, watching, envying the people around. After a while, the pain started to build up on my hip, and it became unbearable. I unlocked the door, and I stumbled. My legs had gone numb and my back and neck were strangling me with pain. I stayed motionless for few seconds until the pain subsided, and I looked around again.
It was the first day of Chinese New Year, and for the first time in many years, I had the sudden urge to celebrate Chinese New Year, just for once.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The mistakes that we can make in a relationship...
As promised, I am here to follow up to list down the mistakes that both of us had done during our relationship.
Our first mistake was rushing in.
Believe it or not, after just a few months knowing and starting the relationship, we moved in together. Now I realized the mistake because we should have at least spent more time to know each other more before we take the next step. But we didn't. What we did was we rushed in, moved in, and then, started a life while still trying to know each other more.
Of course, another drawback is that once you are comfortable with the kind of life, or rather, get used to having someone at home waiting for you, and if things just don't work out the way you wanted, then you will be like me, moving out and struggling to start a new life.
The reason why I call myself homeless is because I don't have a home. A home is not a house. A home is where when you feel tired, upon entering you will feel comfortable. You feel safe. Even when you are drunk, you still can drive all the way back without missing a turn. That's home, and a home is where the heart is. For me, I am homeless is because I don't have a home. My childhood home is infested with those whom I hate. My recent home was the home I built with her. But now, I am completely homeless, and sleeping in my car.
But as I had mentioned before, Adrian and I are working on something. I will reveal more in due time.
The second mistake is we take each other for granted. But to be honest, she didn't take things for granted as much as I did. After being together for years, sometimes I forget to pamper her, to praise her, to take care of her. I mean, I still do love her madly and I still miss her like crazy, but sometimes after work, I just didn't have the energy to pamper her, or say beautiful words when she has done something for me. Besides, both of us were working so most of the time I would be busy with work and she has to take care of herself. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, but women likes to be pampered and taken care of once in a while.
In another words, we were living like a long time married couple, which in fact we were not married. So that's really unhealthy for a relationship.
The third mistake, which is the deadliest of all, was the lack of communication.
Now when I think back, I realized that the signs were all along there, weeks, if not months, prior to the break up. But I didn't see it back then. And the worst thing was, I assumed that things were OK.
We did not communicate. She didn't feel happy about things, but she didn't talk to me about it. On later part, she said that she had given me many chances, but the problem is, she didn't tell me, she didn't talk to me, she didn't communicate with me, so I had the false impression that everything was fine, but the fact was otherwise. For my part, I ceased to ask "Is everything okay?" to start a communication channel with her. For my part, I didn't tell her about the failed investment. The truth is that up until now, she has no idea how much I have lost in investment, and she has no idea that I have been living in my car for months.
But now I think about it, choosing not to tell her was in fact one of the wisest choice I had made during these years. What if she knows? Well, will she take pity in me and not breaking up with me, but the feeling towards me had gone forever? I certainly don't want that, and I don't want anyone, and I do mean anyone, to pity me. So what if I told her that I am living in my car? Does it make a difference now that we had broke up? Or do I want her to pity me and take me back while she has feelings towards someone else, like the guy driving the BMW? I certainly don't want that.
She moved on, and she is happy. For me, that's what I wanted to see. I don't want to see her cry. I don't want to see her sad. I don't want to see her in sorrow. I saw her being so happy with that man, and feeling sad I am, but on the other hand, I feel happy for her.
I hope you won't repeat my mistakes in relationship. I have failed not in life, in investment, but in love life as well. So take my lesson, buy a flower with a card, and give it to him/her, and don't forget to tell him/her that you love him/her, and pamper him/her, ask him/her if everything is okay.
If not, you will end up like me. I want to pamper her, but she is no longer mine to be pampered by me.
Don't let go a good relationship, because when it's gone, it is gone forever.
Our first mistake was rushing in.
Believe it or not, after just a few months knowing and starting the relationship, we moved in together. Now I realized the mistake because we should have at least spent more time to know each other more before we take the next step. But we didn't. What we did was we rushed in, moved in, and then, started a life while still trying to know each other more.
Of course, another drawback is that once you are comfortable with the kind of life, or rather, get used to having someone at home waiting for you, and if things just don't work out the way you wanted, then you will be like me, moving out and struggling to start a new life.
The reason why I call myself homeless is because I don't have a home. A home is not a house. A home is where when you feel tired, upon entering you will feel comfortable. You feel safe. Even when you are drunk, you still can drive all the way back without missing a turn. That's home, and a home is where the heart is. For me, I am homeless is because I don't have a home. My childhood home is infested with those whom I hate. My recent home was the home I built with her. But now, I am completely homeless, and sleeping in my car.
But as I had mentioned before, Adrian and I are working on something. I will reveal more in due time.
The second mistake is we take each other for granted. But to be honest, she didn't take things for granted as much as I did. After being together for years, sometimes I forget to pamper her, to praise her, to take care of her. I mean, I still do love her madly and I still miss her like crazy, but sometimes after work, I just didn't have the energy to pamper her, or say beautiful words when she has done something for me. Besides, both of us were working so most of the time I would be busy with work and she has to take care of herself. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, but women likes to be pampered and taken care of once in a while.
In another words, we were living like a long time married couple, which in fact we were not married. So that's really unhealthy for a relationship.
The third mistake, which is the deadliest of all, was the lack of communication.
Now when I think back, I realized that the signs were all along there, weeks, if not months, prior to the break up. But I didn't see it back then. And the worst thing was, I assumed that things were OK.
We did not communicate. She didn't feel happy about things, but she didn't talk to me about it. On later part, she said that she had given me many chances, but the problem is, she didn't tell me, she didn't talk to me, she didn't communicate with me, so I had the false impression that everything was fine, but the fact was otherwise. For my part, I ceased to ask "Is everything okay?" to start a communication channel with her. For my part, I didn't tell her about the failed investment. The truth is that up until now, she has no idea how much I have lost in investment, and she has no idea that I have been living in my car for months.
But now I think about it, choosing not to tell her was in fact one of the wisest choice I had made during these years. What if she knows? Well, will she take pity in me and not breaking up with me, but the feeling towards me had gone forever? I certainly don't want that, and I don't want anyone, and I do mean anyone, to pity me. So what if I told her that I am living in my car? Does it make a difference now that we had broke up? Or do I want her to pity me and take me back while she has feelings towards someone else, like the guy driving the BMW? I certainly don't want that.
She moved on, and she is happy. For me, that's what I wanted to see. I don't want to see her cry. I don't want to see her sad. I don't want to see her in sorrow. I saw her being so happy with that man, and feeling sad I am, but on the other hand, I feel happy for her.
I hope you won't repeat my mistakes in relationship. I have failed not in life, in investment, but in love life as well. So take my lesson, buy a flower with a card, and give it to him/her, and don't forget to tell him/her that you love him/her, and pamper him/her, ask him/her if everything is okay.
If not, you will end up like me. I want to pamper her, but she is no longer mine to be pampered by me.
Don't let go a good relationship, because when it's gone, it is gone forever.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A quick update
I had not been writing much for the past few days because I had had problems connecting to the Internet. Something might be wrong with the Wifi station, or the problem lies in my laptop.
So this is just a quick update to you that I am OK, still very much alive, and still struggling.
Besides writing the real-time events (sorry, I don't know what is the technical term for this) that is happening around me, I was thinking of writing some of the recap of what I had experienced during these few months. For the recap articles, I will encrust the word [RECAP] to indicate which one of these articles are just me telling the stories that had happened.
Anyway, thank you for visiting my blog.
So this is just a quick update to you that I am OK, still very much alive, and still struggling.
Besides writing the real-time events (sorry, I don't know what is the technical term for this) that is happening around me, I was thinking of writing some of the recap of what I had experienced during these few months. For the recap articles, I will encrust the word [RECAP] to indicate which one of these articles are just me telling the stories that had happened.
Anyway, thank you for visiting my blog.
Thank you all... again
A lot of people had offered their help to me. Some asked me to leave a message, some asked me to drop them an e-mail, some offered by leaving comments, and some, wanted my e-mail so they can communicate with me directly.
Before I can say anything, please allow me to have the liberty of saying this: thank you all very much.
I definitely understand your concern and your heartfelt care. But please allow me to say this once again,
I had reached this stage, many years back, and I certainly need to take care of myself. I know some of you had taken the steps to help me in a way that it is not sympathy nor pity, and I appreciate that. That is the reason why when the time was really difficult, I did not end up as a beggar on the street. That is the reason why I stand with my head up high, doing the necessity to survive.
For me to write on this blog, be it good writing or not, is a channel for me to vent out my frustrations, share my experiences, tell my stories, express my feelings, and most importantly, to let people know the mistakes that I had made so that hopefully one day, someone will stumble into this blog and not to repeat the same mistakes that I had done.
I am not a professional writer, and I am not trained in writing. The articles here might not touch a single soul nor make people weep with tears, but the underlying message is clear; it is my story, and I hope people will learn from me and not repeat the mistakes that I made in life. I regretted a lot of the mistakes that I had done. Besides the fact that I cannot turn back the clock, I can't really do much about it but to learn from these mistakes and share it with people.
But for all my readers who really want to help, please take my advice: Provide your help to someone around you. You can donate to an orphanage, old-folks home, your local animal shelter, or volunteer yourself to participate in this kind of charity work. There are a lot more people who need help more than I do, and these people are surrounding us, all of us. So please take a moment, smile to a stranger, or help those who are really in need.
For me, I am still at prime age. I am not disabled, nor illiterate. I will find my way out of this situation, myself.
Nonetheless, I still want to say thank you to all of you who had been showing me support.
Thank you.
Before I can say anything, please allow me to have the liberty of saying this: thank you all very much.
I definitely understand your concern and your heartfelt care. But please allow me to say this once again,
...please allow me to say that I am very grateful, but I need to find the steps in my life myself. I must get out of this hole myself as this is my sole purpose of surviving, period. I came to this world with nothing, and during the years, I had accumulated some small sum, and now I am reduced to nothing again. I believe that I will be back to where I was before all these nightmares, like phoenix rises from the ash. But I must do this myself.I hope you won't take this wrongly. I want to be an independent person. When I first came to this world, I had to rely on my mother a lot until the day she passed away. But when I am of age to take care of myself, I had taken the steps to really grow up, to be independent. I had my fair share of hard time, but during these hardships, I grew up with more experience. I don't want to be a leech, to my friends, family (not much to speak of), and to the society. I believe that for the infancy stage, we will required the love and tender care from our parents, but once we reach a certain stage, we have to learn how to take care of ourselves.
I had reached this stage, many years back, and I certainly need to take care of myself. I know some of you had taken the steps to help me in a way that it is not sympathy nor pity, and I appreciate that. That is the reason why when the time was really difficult, I did not end up as a beggar on the street. That is the reason why I stand with my head up high, doing the necessity to survive.
For me to write on this blog, be it good writing or not, is a channel for me to vent out my frustrations, share my experiences, tell my stories, express my feelings, and most importantly, to let people know the mistakes that I had made so that hopefully one day, someone will stumble into this blog and not to repeat the same mistakes that I had done.
I am not a professional writer, and I am not trained in writing. The articles here might not touch a single soul nor make people weep with tears, but the underlying message is clear; it is my story, and I hope people will learn from me and not repeat the mistakes that I made in life. I regretted a lot of the mistakes that I had done. Besides the fact that I cannot turn back the clock, I can't really do much about it but to learn from these mistakes and share it with people.
But for all my readers who really want to help, please take my advice: Provide your help to someone around you. You can donate to an orphanage, old-folks home, your local animal shelter, or volunteer yourself to participate in this kind of charity work. There are a lot more people who need help more than I do, and these people are surrounding us, all of us. So please take a moment, smile to a stranger, or help those who are really in need.
For me, I am still at prime age. I am not disabled, nor illiterate. I will find my way out of this situation, myself.
Nonetheless, I still want to say thank you to all of you who had been showing me support.
Thank you.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The guy with a knife...
Every morning I wake up to a stiff neck, cramped shoulders, aching back, and numb legs. That's the result of sleeping in the car for long period of time.
But this morning, besides the usual body ache, I woke up with a serious hip cramp, back spasm and numb feet. But that wasn't the worse case scenario. There was a man tapping on my car window loudy, so hard that he almost broke the window. I sat up as quickly as possible, and I saw a man standing just right next to the door.
I squinted, as it was dark. The moonlight penetrated through the leaves and that gave me enough light to make out the man standing there. He is about mid 30's, very tan (maybe some foreign workers, or some local guy), thin arms with veins probing out almost every inch of his arms. His eye whites were not white but brown yellowish, and it was bloodshot.
He tapped on my window loudly again, shouting nonchalantly. I just woke up, and I was still very dizzy, so I didn't catch what he was saying.
I rubbed my eyes again, and looked left and right. The streets was eerily quiet, not a single living soul from what I could see under the moonlight. The reflection of the moon shone brightly on the lake, and it was a sight to behold of. The lake, under the moonlight, was emitting a kind of aura that is both captivating and alluring. Unfortunately, it wasn't time to enjoy the scenery.
Something was not right.
He said something again, but I couldn't hear him. At first I thought of rolling down the car window a few inches more so that I could make out what he was saying, but I caught myself and I thought better of it. Then I saw his left hand was behind his back while his right hand tapping my window continuously.
Then I saw it. A glister, not a pretty sight that I was hoping for.
Apparently he was holding a knife with his left hand and he was hiding the knife from my view. He smiled at me, and the hair behind my back stood up as straight as army during national anthem.
Instead of rolling down the window, my instinct put me in auto-drive and I rolled up the window, started the car as fast as possible, put the gear in Reverse, and sped off.
While I was reversing away from him, I stole a few glances at him and saw that he was running towards me, knife no longer hidden. Cold sweat broke out from my face, and my palms became sweaty. But I didn't have the time to consider otherwise, so I continued reversing my car as far as possible before doing a U-turn and drove off.
What was he planning to do to me? Was he thinking of robbing me? Excuse me, I am not Einstein but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that I am homeless. Why would anyone wants to rob a homeless? Both are broke, so might as well go rob someone else. Or was he thinking of taking my car? That would be dreadful as my car is my precious and without it, it's like someone just chop off my legs and I will be handicap. Or was he planning something more sinister, like killing me? I don't know. I didn't want to find out, and I am not planning to go back and ask him politely if he was gonna rob me, take my car, or kill me.
Anyway, I was wide awake after that, failing to sleep for the rest of the night.
I will not go back to that place again.
But most importantly, very soon I will be having a place to stay. It is not confirmed yet, so I will only reveal more when it is time to do so.
But this morning, besides the usual body ache, I woke up with a serious hip cramp, back spasm and numb feet. But that wasn't the worse case scenario. There was a man tapping on my car window loudy, so hard that he almost broke the window. I sat up as quickly as possible, and I saw a man standing just right next to the door.
I squinted, as it was dark. The moonlight penetrated through the leaves and that gave me enough light to make out the man standing there. He is about mid 30's, very tan (maybe some foreign workers, or some local guy), thin arms with veins probing out almost every inch of his arms. His eye whites were not white but brown yellowish, and it was bloodshot.
He tapped on my window loudly again, shouting nonchalantly. I just woke up, and I was still very dizzy, so I didn't catch what he was saying.
I rubbed my eyes again, and looked left and right. The streets was eerily quiet, not a single living soul from what I could see under the moonlight. The reflection of the moon shone brightly on the lake, and it was a sight to behold of. The lake, under the moonlight, was emitting a kind of aura that is both captivating and alluring. Unfortunately, it wasn't time to enjoy the scenery.
Something was not right.
He said something again, but I couldn't hear him. At first I thought of rolling down the car window a few inches more so that I could make out what he was saying, but I caught myself and I thought better of it. Then I saw his left hand was behind his back while his right hand tapping my window continuously.
Then I saw it. A glister, not a pretty sight that I was hoping for.
Apparently he was holding a knife with his left hand and he was hiding the knife from my view. He smiled at me, and the hair behind my back stood up as straight as army during national anthem.
Instead of rolling down the window, my instinct put me in auto-drive and I rolled up the window, started the car as fast as possible, put the gear in Reverse, and sped off.
While I was reversing away from him, I stole a few glances at him and saw that he was running towards me, knife no longer hidden. Cold sweat broke out from my face, and my palms became sweaty. But I didn't have the time to consider otherwise, so I continued reversing my car as far as possible before doing a U-turn and drove off.
What was he planning to do to me? Was he thinking of robbing me? Excuse me, I am not Einstein but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that I am homeless. Why would anyone wants to rob a homeless? Both are broke, so might as well go rob someone else. Or was he thinking of taking my car? That would be dreadful as my car is my precious and without it, it's like someone just chop off my legs and I will be handicap. Or was he planning something more sinister, like killing me? I don't know. I didn't want to find out, and I am not planning to go back and ask him politely if he was gonna rob me, take my car, or kill me.
Anyway, I was wide awake after that, failing to sleep for the rest of the night.
I will not go back to that place again.
But most importantly, very soon I will be having a place to stay. It is not confirmed yet, so I will only reveal more when it is time to do so.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Letting her go...
This afternoon when I was at Starbucks, online again, replying the emails regarding potential interview opportunities, someone tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned, and I was surprised to see her.
"Hi. Long time no see. How are you?"
It took me a good few seconds to regain my conscious, and I must have mumbled something in the line of "Hi, I am fine. How about you?" because she smiled and took a seat opposite me.
I sat upright, folded my laptop, and looked at her.
She smiled, and asked, "So where are you staying now?"
I looked around, avoiding eye contact with her, and said, "Does it matter?"
She looked at me, the smile faded, and she thought for a while before answering me.
"No, it doesn't."
I looked at her, heart pounding, but trying my absolute best not to show, and said, "I saw you the other day, with the guy driving the 5 series."
Her eyes widened, and she was speechless. If I were her, I would not know how to reply to such statement. Knowing her so well, I added, "I am happy to see that you are happy. I hope he treats you well."
"Thanks...," and that was all she could say to me.
"It looks like he is rich. I hope he can provide you more than what I could last time and this time, you will treasure him and not giving up so easily like what you had done to me," I said.
I looked to the side, avoiding eye contact again. I didn't want her to see the moist forming in my eyes.
"What do you mean? You should know me well enough that money to me is not the most important thing," she confronted me.
I inhaled deeply, and said, "Actually, I know. I know I put you through a lot of stress. But it didn't have to happen this way. We didn't have to end this way. But so soon, you found someone just happened to drive a BMW, that gives me the impression that you got over me rather quickly and you think money is more important."
She looked at me, shaking her head. I could see that she was trying very hard to conceal her emotion.
"Don't worry," I said, "You wanted me to let go, and I am letting go. I am really happy that you found someone who is capable of taking care of you. We were both at fault and that's why we had to end our relationship. I just hope you won't repeat the same mistake."
By that, I put my laptop in the bag, stood up, and said, "Anyway, I got to go. Good luck."
She didn't say a word. Her twinkling eyes looked at me, her mouth twitched a bit, like wanting to say something. I looked at her straight in the eyes, and I sensed that there was something in her mind that she wanted to tell me. I hesitated, and I was hoping that she would say something, but at the same time I also didn't want to give her a chance to say something, and I was also afraid that she would say something that could hurt me.
So I turned and walked away. I was walking away slowly, but my mind was telling me to go back and tell her how madly in love I still am with her, hug her as tight as possible, and kiss her passionately.
But I had to go. I had to let go. I had to allow her to have her happiness. She deserves to be happy. She wasn't happy when she was with me, but I cannot be so selfish and stop her from being happy again.
I had refused to let go for months, but after a meeting with Adrian on discussion on some matter, and telling him about seeing them the other day, he advised me to let go in order to move forward, to take the next step to improve my life. He went through the same thing, and he understood how difficult it was for him to let go, but after letting go, life suddenly became more bearable.
At the end, I reached my car, and I drove aimlessly.
Destination? What destination?
PS: Sorry, I am really tired. I will blog about the mistakes that both of us had done when I have the time and energy. Right now I just want to find a flat surface and sleep for days.
I turned, and I was surprised to see her.
"Hi. Long time no see. How are you?"
It took me a good few seconds to regain my conscious, and I must have mumbled something in the line of "Hi, I am fine. How about you?" because she smiled and took a seat opposite me.
I sat upright, folded my laptop, and looked at her.
She smiled, and asked, "So where are you staying now?"
I looked around, avoiding eye contact with her, and said, "Does it matter?"
She looked at me, the smile faded, and she thought for a while before answering me.
"No, it doesn't."
I looked at her, heart pounding, but trying my absolute best not to show, and said, "I saw you the other day, with the guy driving the 5 series."
Her eyes widened, and she was speechless. If I were her, I would not know how to reply to such statement. Knowing her so well, I added, "I am happy to see that you are happy. I hope he treats you well."
"Thanks...," and that was all she could say to me.
"It looks like he is rich. I hope he can provide you more than what I could last time and this time, you will treasure him and not giving up so easily like what you had done to me," I said.
I looked to the side, avoiding eye contact again. I didn't want her to see the moist forming in my eyes.
"What do you mean? You should know me well enough that money to me is not the most important thing," she confronted me.
I inhaled deeply, and said, "Actually, I know. I know I put you through a lot of stress. But it didn't have to happen this way. We didn't have to end this way. But so soon, you found someone just happened to drive a BMW, that gives me the impression that you got over me rather quickly and you think money is more important."
She looked at me, shaking her head. I could see that she was trying very hard to conceal her emotion.
"Don't worry," I said, "You wanted me to let go, and I am letting go. I am really happy that you found someone who is capable of taking care of you. We were both at fault and that's why we had to end our relationship. I just hope you won't repeat the same mistake."
By that, I put my laptop in the bag, stood up, and said, "Anyway, I got to go. Good luck."
She didn't say a word. Her twinkling eyes looked at me, her mouth twitched a bit, like wanting to say something. I looked at her straight in the eyes, and I sensed that there was something in her mind that she wanted to tell me. I hesitated, and I was hoping that she would say something, but at the same time I also didn't want to give her a chance to say something, and I was also afraid that she would say something that could hurt me.
So I turned and walked away. I was walking away slowly, but my mind was telling me to go back and tell her how madly in love I still am with her, hug her as tight as possible, and kiss her passionately.
But I had to go. I had to let go. I had to allow her to have her happiness. She deserves to be happy. She wasn't happy when she was with me, but I cannot be so selfish and stop her from being happy again.
I had refused to let go for months, but after a meeting with Adrian on discussion on some matter, and telling him about seeing them the other day, he advised me to let go in order to move forward, to take the next step to improve my life. He went through the same thing, and he understood how difficult it was for him to let go, but after letting go, life suddenly became more bearable.
At the end, I reached my car, and I drove aimlessly.
Destination? What destination?
PS: Sorry, I am really tired. I will blog about the mistakes that both of us had done when I have the time and energy. Right now I just want to find a flat surface and sleep for days.
Rain, rain, go away
It has been raining these few nights.
I should not complain as rainy days are much cooler than our normal tropical climate. I think a lot of people can say that they sleep better during rainy nights.
But not for me.
At night, when I sleep in my car, I will ventilate the car by leaving the window open for fresh air. It is still hot thanks to our tropical climate, but at least the air is fresh and the humidity level is still acceptable. Unfortunately, during rainy days, I have shut the car windows as I don't want the dashboard, seats, my clothes, and me, myself, to become wet. As a result, fog formed at rapid rate, the air became stale, and I can feel the perspiration forming around me. The humidity increase to a level where breathing is difficult, and it is extremely uncomfortable.
The only thing I can do is to drive my car to a place offering shades, opened the window to let the stale air out, and continue my sleep. Unfortunately, the shades area normally means under the bridge because common sense taught us that hiding under the tree is dangerous as lightning could strike at any moment.
Why under the bridge is bad? First of all, it is more exposed than housing area, so the chances of getting mobbed is higher. Secondly, a lot of motorcycle will park under the bridges to avoid getting wet, and normally they would come near my car to take a peek. Under such circumstances, I don't feel safe at all.
Another option is to drive into a roofed carpark like those in shopping mall. But that is another bad idea as the security guards will do their rounds and they would certainly wake me up and force me to go away.
The lesson here is that there are always more than one way to look at the situation. But most importantly, the way that we are looking at the situation depends on where we are standing. For those who got a warm comfortable bed, rain is a welcome weather as it cools down the environment considerately. But for someone sleeping in the car like me, it is not good.
Last time, I didn't normally looking at things using perspective. But going through all these, I am learning to open my eyes and mind to see things differently. I can't say that I am becoming a better person, but at least I am more understanding now compare to last time.
I should not complain as rainy days are much cooler than our normal tropical climate. I think a lot of people can say that they sleep better during rainy nights.
But not for me.
At night, when I sleep in my car, I will ventilate the car by leaving the window open for fresh air. It is still hot thanks to our tropical climate, but at least the air is fresh and the humidity level is still acceptable. Unfortunately, during rainy days, I have shut the car windows as I don't want the dashboard, seats, my clothes, and me, myself, to become wet. As a result, fog formed at rapid rate, the air became stale, and I can feel the perspiration forming around me. The humidity increase to a level where breathing is difficult, and it is extremely uncomfortable.
The only thing I can do is to drive my car to a place offering shades, opened the window to let the stale air out, and continue my sleep. Unfortunately, the shades area normally means under the bridge because common sense taught us that hiding under the tree is dangerous as lightning could strike at any moment.
Why under the bridge is bad? First of all, it is more exposed than housing area, so the chances of getting mobbed is higher. Secondly, a lot of motorcycle will park under the bridges to avoid getting wet, and normally they would come near my car to take a peek. Under such circumstances, I don't feel safe at all.
Another option is to drive into a roofed carpark like those in shopping mall. But that is another bad idea as the security guards will do their rounds and they would certainly wake me up and force me to go away.
The lesson here is that there are always more than one way to look at the situation. But most importantly, the way that we are looking at the situation depends on where we are standing. For those who got a warm comfortable bed, rain is a welcome weather as it cools down the environment considerately. But for someone sleeping in the car like me, it is not good.
Last time, I didn't normally looking at things using perspective. But going through all these, I am learning to open my eyes and mind to see things differently. I can't say that I am becoming a better person, but at least I am more understanding now compare to last time.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Job Interview
Last night I saw a hiring sign on 7-11, so I walked in and wanted to speak to the manager.
I have been looking for a full time job, and I have attended few interviews so far. Right now I am still awaiting for the news, but I need the money. I need the money seriously. So I have been looking for part-time as well.
A young Malay guy came out from the back. He looked not a day older than 28, and he identified himself as the Store Manager.
I explained to him that I saw the sign that the store was hiring, so I wanted the interview. He scoffed, went into his office, took out an application form and asked me to fill it up. I spent the few minutes filling up the particulars, and when I was done, I walked to the back of the store to pass him my application form.
After reading my application form for few minutes, he looked up and asked, "How old are you?"
I replied as politely as possible, "I am 30 years old."
He mumbled to himself very softly, "Wow. Older than me..."
I pretended that I didn't hear what he said. After awhile, we will all get used to it, and I don't blush that often nowadays.
"Hmm.. can you please tell me about your education background?" He asked, in a broken English manner.
"Sure," and I explained to him.
"Hahaha! Hmm.. you know, you have Master's Degree. This is only part-time job," he laughed.
I looked straight into his eyes, and I said, "Yes, I know. But right now I am jobless so I just want to get some income."
"Hahaha! Sorry! Your salary is too high and we cannot afford to hire Degree holder!" He laughed louder.
"It's okay sir. I know the pay is not high, but I really need this job," I pledged with him.
He thought for a while, scratched his head, and asked, "Do you know how to use the cash register machine?"
"Nope sir, but I am a quick learner," I replied quickly. He is much younger than me, but out of courtesy, I called him "sir", and I really needed that job.
"Actually, I won't hire you," he blinked at me.
"But I am really a quick learner and I am very sure that I can handle the cash register machine in no time," I begged.
"No. You have Master's Degree. Go look for a job that needs Master's Degree. We can only hire SPM holders only."
"But..."
"Bye!" And by that, he turned his back on me and walked back to the office.
At that point, I almost wanted to punch the shit out of him. He laughed at me, insulted me, and at the end didn't want to give me the part-time-freaking-job. Or at least listen to me instead of cutting me off when I was about to speak.
I was pissed! But could I have done at that moment? He had already judged me even before speaking to me, so there is no way I could turn things around.
I turned, opened the door while the chimney rang, and walked off without even turning my head.
I have been looking for a full time job, and I have attended few interviews so far. Right now I am still awaiting for the news, but I need the money. I need the money seriously. So I have been looking for part-time as well.
A young Malay guy came out from the back. He looked not a day older than 28, and he identified himself as the Store Manager.
I explained to him that I saw the sign that the store was hiring, so I wanted the interview. He scoffed, went into his office, took out an application form and asked me to fill it up. I spent the few minutes filling up the particulars, and when I was done, I walked to the back of the store to pass him my application form.
After reading my application form for few minutes, he looked up and asked, "How old are you?"
I replied as politely as possible, "I am 30 years old."
He mumbled to himself very softly, "Wow. Older than me..."
I pretended that I didn't hear what he said. After awhile, we will all get used to it, and I don't blush that often nowadays.
"Hmm.. can you please tell me about your education background?" He asked, in a broken English manner.
"Sure," and I explained to him.
"Hahaha! Hmm.. you know, you have Master's Degree. This is only part-time job," he laughed.
I looked straight into his eyes, and I said, "Yes, I know. But right now I am jobless so I just want to get some income."
"Hahaha! Sorry! Your salary is too high and we cannot afford to hire Degree holder!" He laughed louder.
"It's okay sir. I know the pay is not high, but I really need this job," I pledged with him.
He thought for a while, scratched his head, and asked, "Do you know how to use the cash register machine?"
"Nope sir, but I am a quick learner," I replied quickly. He is much younger than me, but out of courtesy, I called him "sir", and I really needed that job.
"Actually, I won't hire you," he blinked at me.
"But I am really a quick learner and I am very sure that I can handle the cash register machine in no time," I begged.
"No. You have Master's Degree. Go look for a job that needs Master's Degree. We can only hire SPM holders only."
"But..."
"Bye!" And by that, he turned his back on me and walked back to the office.
At that point, I almost wanted to punch the shit out of him. He laughed at me, insulted me, and at the end didn't want to give me the part-time-freaking-job. Or at least listen to me instead of cutting me off when I was about to speak.
I was pissed! But could I have done at that moment? He had already judged me even before speaking to me, so there is no way I could turn things around.
I turned, opened the door while the chimney rang, and walked off without even turning my head.
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