And then, there she was...

I was sitting on a bench not far from a cafe, using their WiFi service to login to jobstreet, trying my luck for getting a job, or at least an interview. The truth is, lately the job market is slow. But it's okay.

While I was doing some research, I saw a familiar shadow far away. I looked up, and I saw her.

She was walking beside a tall distinguish man, hands clinching as tight as possible, her body leaning towards him, and she was laughing at some jokes.

I didn't know what to do. At first I wanted to get up and ran away as far and as fast as possible, but my body and legs got planted on the floor, and I couldn't move. I wanted to look away, pretended that I didn't see them, but my eyes were transfixed on her smiling face. Or maybe I just wanted to catch a glimpse of her just for a while longer.

She looked different.

She looked so happy, so contended, and so far away as if it has nothing to do with me. Well, it has nothing to do with me. She broke up with me just a few months ago, shattering me into pieces, breaking my heart, crushing my naive belief that she was still in love with me. When I asked her why she wanted to do that, she looked at me, straight in the eyes, and said, "Because I don't love you anymore." At that moment, I felt as if I was weightless, floating deeper and deeper into darkness, completely helpless. I tried to cling on to something, but I kept falling. I wanted to shout, but no voice came out from me. I wanted to cry, and I realized that when a person is at the saddest, no tears would come out from the eyes. Tears became blood, bleeding from the heart.

I kept looking at her, and then I realized why she looked different.

There were sparks in her eyes! For the last few months when we were together, when my financial difficulty started to appear, her eyes were dim and lifeless. But at that moment, in the arm of that man, I could see her eyes glistering, glowing, and shining.

I went numb. I was incapable of feeling a thing. Sadness, yes. But there is no words that I could find to describe the depth of sadness that I was feeling. Disappointment, yes, but it was beyond words. Heartbroken, into micron. It was as if suddenly someone just took my breath away, and I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, and I couldn't think. Darkness covered me in a bright shinny day, and coldness blanketed me when the temperature was above 32^oC. All I could do was sitting there, looking at her happy face, and that's it. The rest were pure emptiness.

Some people might say that she is materialistic. But to be fair and honest, all she wanted was that I provided her some form of security. She wasn't looking at wealthy lifestyle, but not the life that debtors kept coming to us, banging the door, harassing us, calling us, to collect the debts. I did put a lot of pressure on her, and one day, she decided that enough was enough and she broke up with me.

I can't blame her. After she broke up with me, her salary could afford her a normal life. Otherwise I needed her to provide me some, on top of my salary, to settle some of the debts. I said I can't blame her is because I understood the kind of pressure that she was facing, and I can't blame her because up until now, I am still very much in love with her.

They kept walking, laughing, holding hands, and then they stopped in front of a new BMW 5 series. He opened the door for her, she smiled, he leaned forward to kiss her, she kissed him back, she went into the car, he closed the door, he went to the driver's side, and drove off.

That's what we used to do.

I am glad that she is finally happy. I am sad that she got over me so quickly, forgetting about my existence and fall into the arms of a new guy.

I am not an expert, but that guy looks like a decent guy. Maybe he got some kind of very good job, or he is from a rich family. But I can tell that he really appreciates her, and she likes him very much. It's good for her, as I am sure he would be able to provide her with the basic security that everyone needs, not like me.

As for me, I can only continue to watch from far away, as a spectator.

After they drove off, I suddenly remembered the letters that she wrote me. I unzipped my laptop bag, took out the plastic folder, and started to read the letters again. They were beautiful letters, expressing her love to me, and suddenly, tears sprung from the corner of my eyes, dropping onto the letters.

I quickly wiped the tears away from the letters as my eyes blurred. All I wanted to do was to keep those letters forever.