[RECAP] In the night of chinese new year

It was barely few minutes past 12 in the morning, and the people around the housing area were still awake, making the final preparation for the Chinese New Year celebration.

I laid in the car seat, starring at the car ceiling, thinking about my future, but mostly dwell on my own failure in life. I had not only lost my life, or rather the life that I used to know, but also my sense of selfness had gone down the ditch, coupled with my confidence. What I had left was a few baggages of my personal belongings laying at the back seats, the mid-sized sedan, my brain and dignity.

Suddenly I felt a sharp pinch of pain in my neck, and it felt like a needle had just pierced right into the bone and my vision blacked out for split second.

I forgot that I had to stay still in order not to agitate the joints. Half laying down on a car seat is not a comfortable experience and I shifted my weight to reduce the pressure on my hip and back, but that aggravated the neck pain.

My back and shoulder, especially the neck, had been in constant grievance since the 3rd days from the night I spent in my car. I longed for a comfortable bed with a nice fluffy pillow, just for one night, but the only thing I could afford was sleeping in my car.

The children were playing on the roadside with the supervision of their parents. Some of them played with firecrackers, and the younger ones were standing nearby to watch. Every few seconds, the kids would burst into laughter that carried far into the street, and I sat there, watching them with envy and motionless in order not to aggravate the pain. They appeared so happy.

Suddenly, the rush of childhood memory flooded me like waterfall, and I remembered how my mom used to watch me playing firecrackers during Chinese New Year, how she smiled at me as she always did, and how we enjoyed our reunion dinner together. Sometimes she would ask me to help with some task as not to let me feel bored, and sometimes just for the purpose of teaching me new things.

But it all changed, forever, after she passed away due to cancer.

Ever since, I dislike Chinese New Year because it was a reflection on how lonely I was, especially when all my friends would be busy to be with their family. For me, being the only child in the family and having a dad that was always away on business trip, or staying over at the mistress's house, I became an orphan when my mom passed away, so I hated Chinese New Year, and most often than not, I refused to celebrate it.

I stayed in the car, watching, envying the people around. After a while, the pain started to build up on my hip, and it became unbearable. I unlocked the door, and I stumbled. My legs had gone numb and my back and neck were strangling me with pain. I stayed motionless for few seconds until the pain subsided, and I looked around again.

It was the first day of Chinese New Year, and for the first time in many years, I had the sudden urge to celebrate Chinese New Year, just for once.